I've had the worst migraine for the last two days. It doesn't help that in just over a month I'm homeless again. It also doesn't help that unless i magically get $120 together by tomorrow everything I own is going to be sold at the storage unit where my stuff is stored. I don't know what to do... I feel so hopeless right now... I wish that my life had turned out different, better in any way. When I come back I don't want to be in this kind of position again, where i have to care for everyone around me and work miracles with no time, energy or money. I don't want to suffer like this anymore. It's hard to take. Someone my age shouldn't have to deal with these kind of problems so often, it's just not right. My parents should still be caring for me and watching over my actions to make sure I'm not making mistakes, not me watching over my mom to fix her mistakes. I'm not a miracle worker, I'm sorry. I just can't pull all the money in the world out of my ass to fix your problems, and I shouldn't have to. I'm not trying to sound like a selfish brat here, that's not my goal at all, I'm just trying to say that I'm young, and I shouldn't have had to deal with these kinds of things yet in my life. God, why does my head hurt?? *sigh*

I've been home for about two weeks, keeping myself busy like I should be, and today was my first day of work. It wasn't bad at all, it actually flew by. I was waiting tables at a banquet hall. My feet hurt but I'm happy. :)

Last night I was thinking, I haven't cried yet. I mean, when I went to church camp with Kelly last August I cried on the first night that I missed my baby boy. However, I've been here 5 days now and I haven't cried yet. It's not like I want to cry, it's not like that, I just think it's weird...

Anyways, I went to bed around 11:30/midnight and I had set my alarm for 9, 10, and 11am to get up. I had planned on doing laundry mostly, and organizing my room; I got up at noon. So instead I did the dishes from dinner last night and cleaned the kitchen. I mean, that's not a bad thing at all! Don't get me wrong! I still plan on doing my laundry, but I need to ask Kyna about the clothes sitting in the washer, so I might as well wait for her to get home, which isn't long since she gets off work in less than 10 minutes; it wont take her long to get home either since we live rather close to the commissary.

I ended up sleeping almost 12 hours last night, and I felt it when I woke up. I had the world's worst headache... it still hurts a little. But what really bothered me when I woke up was when I cam downstairs and saw that the damn dog got into the bathroom trash! There were half eaten pads strewn across the living room floor! I was like, WTFT??? So I cleaned that mess up and went in the laundry room (cause the light was left on) and found that the dog also pooped on the floor!! I was like WTFT TINK!!!!!!!! *sigh* oh well, I yelled at her and she was staying away from me for a while; she's all good now, sleeping next to me.

*sigh* I feel sick... My stomach feels wonky and my head is pounding... I really don't want to get sick... Kyna's been sick all weekend and it's just now starting to break up in her chest. Oh well, if it happens it means it was meant to happen, so I can't really complain much.

I do find it interesting that I ended up coming here. I feel so comfortable and content here. It is my goal, that by the time next semester starts, that I am a more honest person with myself and others, and I think being here will help me with that. I think that here I can get something of a structured life like I've always been lacking and wanting.

Anywho, I'm gonna make me something to eat for lunch and wait for Kyna to come home; she should be on her way home now.

**edit**
So, since earlier things have happened, so I thought I'd update the day. After Kyna got home from work we headed to Kmart at exit 12 on 70; I got a yellow smiley face bra and three pairs of TinkerBell underwear and she got an outfit for Josh, PJ bottoms, and underwear.

We also heard about Sassy. You know how I was saying she was miserable all weekend? Well, it seems this morning she had no control of her blatter and ended up being covered in blood, so they had to take her and have her put down. I'm really sad about it, but how I feel is nothing compared to how Kyna, Linda, and Brian feel about it. I understand how they feel, it really hurts to lose a loved one like a pet. Dogs and cats are family too, and when they go you feel it just like every other family member.

*sigh* But we also went out to eat tonight at a Chinese restaurant near base. I ate WAY too much and made myself sick. And it didn't help that I've had the world's worst migraine all day either. So I wasn't feeling too hot at all...

Well, now here I lay in bed in my room. It is here that I think the most. There is nothing to distract me from my thoughts, so they are able to take over. It is here that I wonder the world's woes and worries. It is here that many of my ideas come to life. It is also here that I am safest from all my fears. Though I find as well that I am safest physically here on base, and it makes it easier for me to be happy here. I was thinking earlier how comfortable I was here. I wonder why that is really. It's not like this place is majorly different from my home in Michigan; it's really not. I don't see why being on a military base would make such a big difference, but it seems to. *sigh* oh well. I like it here, and that's all that really matters in the end.

Peace and well wishes
~Ashley

I woke up this morning to the sound of Linda yelling up the stairs "Bye! Love you!"

They were planning on leaving while Kyna and I were sleeping. I know it's hard on Linda, leaving her daughter here, but Kyna lives here now and she needs to be okay with it. As for grandma, she cries no matter what I say.

But now I'm sitting in Kyna's living room alone; Kyna's trying to sleep off a cold, Josh is working, and Tinker the chihuahua is most likely sleeping with her Mama.

I plan on, while here this month, taking TONS of pictures, seeing TONS of things, and visiting St. Louis and doing the same thing. lol I'm really excited since I've never been here before, and my photography-itch needs to be scratched... xD If I had had it my way, I would have stopped every few miles on the way here to take pictures; I LOVE to take pictures. I LOVE photography. I like to doodle too, but I suck at it. I actually take some really nice pictures, but I generally do only nature shots or animals; aka, I don't do people. I have taken shots of people before, but for some reason the prints just didn't seen to turn out just as nice as the nature shots taken in the same batch...

*ahem* Anyways, (sorry for the rant) it's weird to watch CNN and have them talk about things going on in the eastern time zone, were I actually live and have me look at the clock here and see I'm an hour behind. I think that, more than anything, makes me think I'm not at home. I mean, there's even a Fox 2 here with people that look like the people from Fox 2 Detroit. *sigh* oh well. I came here of my own will after all, and the only ride I had home for the next three weeks left just about an hour ago now; I'm here until my mother transfers the funds to my bank account. I'm here. I have a full back of cigarettes, $10, and a new Michael Jackson poster acquired from Spencer's in the mall yesterday. I have the clothes I brought with me, the package of Starburst my mother bought me, and myself.

I'm starting to doubt myself and my choice to stay here now. Sitting here alone, as I will while Kyna and Josh work, I feel oddly... alone. I feel sad, but not enough to cry. I feel small, and I don't know why. ... I feel like I need more coffee... xD (It's yummy coffee, it's Black Silk. ^_^)

I'll admit, though only partially willingly, that I miss my mother; it's not only her I miss though. I miss Zsk, Cheri, and Sarah, but I really miss my baby Sammy the most. I love him so much and it's only been four days since I saw him last but I miss him SO much. He's my baby, and I wish I could have brought him down here with me... He's my angel... My baby boy... *sigh*

Well, I'm going to check my Facebook, MySpace, DeviantArt, and Gaia accounts. I wish everyone the best day today and may God bless.

~Ash of the Divinity in Motion

We got here really late this morning, around 3am local time, which is central, i believe. It took a little longer than usual to get here, but it's all worth it so far. We woke up this morning and sat around for a bit, taking our time smoking and what not. When everyone was ready we all (grandma, aunt, great-aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin's husband and me) we all went grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. It took forever, but we finally were able to stock their fridge full of food! GOAL ONE FOR US!! lol

So now I'm sitting here on the sofa watching the Mummy with my cousin's husband Josh. The base is really rather amazing. There's a movie theatre, the commissary, a gym (that's free to use), three pools, and all the military buildings are amazing. If you've ever been to Livonia, Mi then it means something when I say the base is as big as Livonia. It's crazy! There are so many houses and buildings and the roads are like normal ones. I never really knew what to expect when coming here, so this is all really cool to me.

I'll be here for a month, and in that time my cousin Kyna said that she'd like to take me to St.Louis sometime to see the arch, cause that would be WAY awesome. :) And as it turns out, the Amtrak track goes right through the base so I can catch the train here and take it to St. Louis and then board my train to Chicago. :)

Tonight we're having hamburgers for dinner, and I can't wait; I'm so hungry after all, I barely ate at all yesterday and last night. ... :(

Last night I slept on the sofa, since all the spare rooms were taken. Kyna and Josh have their room, Kyna's parents (my aunt Linda and uncle Brian) took another room, and my grandma and great-aunt Francis took the third room. But when everyone leaves on Monday I'll be taking over Linda and Brian's room, since it's the second biggest room here.

I'm sad to say, but I'm not sure how well I'm gonna be able to take living here for a whole month, though I love staying on the base. It's just that it's so different from what I'm used to that I don't know how to really respond. Everything is military style, of course, and it's nothing I've ever experienced before. I'm nervous and excited at the same time, but I'm looking forward to the weekend; with everyone here until Monday there will be enough humans around the house that I won't really feel lonely... for the time being. After everyone leaves Monday I know I'll feel lonely. I hadn't seen Kyna for over year before last night, so I'm not sure if we'll still get along like we used to. We seemed okay together at Wal-Mart, so I think we should be fine; but I've never lived under the same roof as Josh before, so that concerns me a little. I'm not very worried about it though, he seems really cool. :)

Well, I'm gonna enjoy the quiet for a bit before Kyna and Brian come back; they plan on making dinner so things will get noisey.

I'll check back in either later today or tomorrow sometime. I wish everyone well.

~AshKnight of the Divinity in Motion.

(woah, there's a Fox 2 in St. Louis that's just like ours in Detroit!! CRAZY!!)

I've been wanting to visit my cousin for a while, but now that i am set to leave in two days I'm nervous... It might be because I've never been out of state so long and at the same time so far away from immediate family. It'll be weird, but i still want to go.

My mom has set it up for me to be able to take the train home in August from St.Louis, so that'll be a new experience too; i've always wanted to ride on a train. I'll be boarding in St. Louis and going to Chicago; in Chicago i'll be boarding after a layover and going to Dearborn. I'm excited for the train ride, but nervous about seeing my cousin; i haven't seen her in over a year.

I wonder what she's like now? I wonder if she's changed much? I wonder what it'll be like to live on the base for a whole month. And, to add to it, I wonder if I'll have access to money to buy smokes. heh. Such petty worries.

Today is Monday and I leave to my aunt's house on Wednesday; my grandma will be picking me up from my current residence and taking me to pick up her husband from work. From his work we'll be going to my aunt's house where I will stay the night and my grandma and her husband will go back home to pack her [my grandma] stuff and her sister's [my great aunt] stuff. They will then sleep at her [my grandma] house and come back to my aunt's house the next morning. We'll then pack up our stuff and head to Illinois.

Since i have to take the train home, I have to be careful how much stuff I take with me. i mean, i don't want to lose any of it. I'll have my laptop bag, my sleeping bag, plus my clothes bag(s).

I'm a little nervous about the distance, I'm not gonna lie. But I just hope that on the train ride home I'll be inspired to write again and create beautiful stories.

I'm glad i was able to get this off my chest, it's not something i can talk about since then my mom will not only tell me not to go she'll call me a baby, and i'm not one. I'm 19 years old now. I might be young still, but I'm no longer a baby. I have to do something on my own.

I'm excited. :)

You Are Not Alone. Now more than ever because it feels like he's consoling me without really knowing it. His voice is the most comforting sound to me, and I love him immeasurably.


I never had the chance to meet Michael, but oh did I wish I did. I always wanted to travel to London to see him perform, but alas the lacking of money. I now have to live with the idea that I will no longer have the opportunity to hear his beautiful voice in person; i have to suffice with the songs he recorded.

Michael became a very important person in my life around 2003, when I was 13; and when I fell in love with him I fell hard. I was going through some hard times when I was around this age, and when I first heard his voice it seemed like nothing else really mattered; I'd like to say that I lived through those years because of Michael. Things became so bad around then that I thought about death numerous times. But whenever I felt down I turned on his Number Ones CD and just listened to his beautiful voice as he sang his heart out.

There was a time, during my eighth grade year that I became a ward of the state for two weeks; this was when my depression started to become worse. There was one night when I had asked the night-shift guard to use her radio. I was so dead inside at the time that I thought "what does it matter anymore?" I left my door half open that night to listen to the music (since the radio wasn't allowed in my room). It was in the middle of the night, while I laid in bed crying, that I heard his voice again; it was a song by the Jackson 5 playing on the local community station. I heard Michael's voice singing and I just smiled through my tears and fell asleep soon after; it was my happiest moment while in that state-run shelter.

When I heard that Michael was gone I didn't want to believe it. Well, I still don't want to. I fought so hard against crying all that day. I went to bed and just cried. I woke up the next morning and saw the title on the news report and just cried like a baby. I couldn't stop myself; it had all been true. I was devastated.

I give my prayers to the three people in this whole world who need them the most: Prince, Paris, and Blanket. These three wonderful children that were so lucky to know their father like they do, are unimaginably hurt. I cannot even begin to fathom how they could be feeling; Michael was the closest person to them in the world, and now he's gone. I cry myself to sleep every night now thinking of how lonely those children must be.

I give them my love, and would give them anything else they could want to try to ease some of their pain. Please, Prince, Paris, Blanket, remember that your father is a wonderful man and through you three he will live on the most. I can't wait for you to grow up remembering all those precious memories you have with your father. You have to remember that only the three of you know your father like you do, so please try to remember that he loves you and always will no matter where he is. Remember that he loves you, and will do his best to protect you from Heaven. Don't hurt yourselves over his passing, he wouldn't want that.

For now, please make sure you three stick together. There is no one else in the world, other than you three, who knows how you feel. Together I believe you can cope with the loss and come out remembering all the happy times. Just please stick together and do your very best, you know your father would want that.

Peace, and Love Forever More

~ Ashley ~

June 25th 2009 started as a bad day for me. at 10am a court official arrived at my apartment to serve me and my mother with an eviction notice; we then had 24 hours to pack and move all of our stuff.

My mother turned the news on around 11am, and it was then that I learned of the death of Farrah Faucet, who had passed away earlier in the morning. I was sad at her passing, but not deeply worried about it, everyone was waiting for it to happen and we all knew she was in pain.

Later, in the early afternoon while packing and contacting possible help, I was online and received a twitter update from TMZ that changed my bad day to a terrible one: it had said that Jackson had been rushed to the hospital. After several hours of hoping and waiting, CNN confirmed his death with the LA coroner's office and I felt my heart stop. His death was called at 2:26pm pacific time. Even now, as it is in the early hours of June 26th, seeing Larry King's caption say "Breaking News: Michael Jackson Dead" is unbelievable. I don't want to believe it.

Hearing his sweet voice, whether it be in song or in speech, has always held a power to calm me. Right now, however, hearing his voice now, or even his name spoken on the tv brings tears to my eyes. (Mind you, when my eyes water or tear up I feel the worst pain, so mourning Michael is not only emotionally painful, but also physical.)

Michael Jackson, on this night I wish to tell you while you watch down on your family from Heaven that I, as a member of your large fan base, will love you well into my days.

For some reason, I never thought I'd see the day when Michael Jackson's death would be announced. I just always thought he'd be there. It seems to be that you miss the most precious things when they are taken away at the most unexpected times.

Dear Lord, please take good care of our sweet Michael. Please give him the innocent childhood that he missed out on and make him the happiest boy in all of Heaven. Give him a Neverland in Heaven that will keep him so happy for all eternity. Thank you Lord, Amen.

To me, camping is like a vacation from technology and the real world; it's like going home to a time when these structural buildings didn't exist. I love it. I miss it. The smell of the fresh grass, the fresh breeze, and the open skies above... I love the feeling that there's nothing to rush and time is free. I love the sleeping in the cool air at night, the relaxing in the woods or at the river's edge... It's the most relaxing and soothing feeling I've ever felt.

With the way I'm feeling right now, with all the chaos that's happening in my life, I feel like going camping would be the best escape. To be free of all the restrictions of life... the money, the joblessness, the homelessness... I want to be free of it all, but I know there's no way that will happen if I run away, even though I really want to just be free of it all. Maybe one day there will be a time when I can have the life I wish for and I won't have to worry about where I'll be sleeping the next day or how I'll be able to get by...

Camping makes me feel safe and calm in the arms of mother nature.

Take me into your arms mother and teach me of the world in the woods and the calming sound of the running water in your streams.

<3

seriously, i want to die now. they took the truck cause we're late on payments, we're gonna be evicted this week cause we're late on payments and on top of it all, we can't find work. THERE IS NO WORK TO BE FOUND. that's the problem. so now me, my mother, and my puppy have no where to go and no way to get there. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i don't have a car either! and i wont have access to any money until november either (that's when i get the return from my educational funds). i'm to the breaking point now. i want to die and just get it over with. there's no reason for me to stay here when there's nothing i can do. i don't even have the power to change what's happening. why does this shit have to happen to me?? what did i do to deserve this? why can't i have the strength now of all times to just off myself??
why isn't this world different? there's nowhere for me to stay with sammy and my mother. and i can't leave sammy and mother to fend for themselves. and i can't take sammy and leave mother to fend for herself. it's just not right. i know i could find a place to stay, but i can't leave them... sammy, as my baby, would have to go anywhere i do, but that leaves my mother... what the hell am i supposed to do? we don't even have a car now to move our belongings anywhere.... WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??? WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS? I'M JUST A CHILD HERE, INSIDE. I LOOK TO MY MOTHER FOR ANSWERS FOR A REASON. BUT SHE HAS NONE!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE... someone, please... i need help and i don't know where to ask for it... i don't know who to look to for guidance... what do i do now? who do i talk to? where do we go? i can't lose sammy... i can't just give up... and i can't even find a job... is there really nowhere to go from here? no one to help me?
and i can't even kill myself.

Ok, so I find it kinda weird that people watch talk shows. It's just a taping of people talking about something random. if you wanna watch someone talk, GO GET FRIENDS AND GET INVOLVED IN THE CONVERSATION. I mean, what's the point of watching someone talk when you're opinions are different and you want to be involved, making you crazy to talk to the tv.
I think the people who watch them are crazy. I mean, if you are willing to watch a person rant on the tv, then you are willing to watch people in real life talk to other people. (i'm not talking about seminars here either, i'm talking about the people standing on the sidewalk in the local downtown area.)
I just don't understand why a sane person would want to expand energy watching a person talk to another person when they have no ability to join in the conversation. I see no point.
Talk Shows. End.

Embedded video from CNN Video



OK, now, after watching that video I cannot imagine how there could be people in the world who would love to hurt that child. That young girl wants to be herself, and with her parent's support she can. That's such a great thing in a world where not everyone is accepted so easily. :)

That's easy: It's been my favorite line for the last five years:

"Then look for me by moonlight,
Watch for me by moonlight,
I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."
"The Highwayman," Alfred Noyes

and i contribute that to Mary Downing Hahn. She wrote one of my favorite books, titled from this poem: Look For Me By Moonlight.

I love that book. :)

So, you know how i passed out in february?
from the low blood pressure?
yea.
i'm feeling that way right now.
Except i haven't passed out yet.
yet.
I feel like if i were to stand up to walk, i would fall.
I wonder why i feel like this.
I wonder...

I wish there was someone out there who could help me...
or make me feel better...
i wish.
Too bad there's not.

so yea, i was at kelly's when i woke up this morning. i hung out there for a while while i played Perfect World and she played WoW.
She had to work at four, so i went home.
I talked to my mom and somehow the decision came along to go to Windsor with the neighbors. Okay, cool. I'm 19, I'm old enough to go to the casino.
But I forgot to drink.
I'm so lame.
But I did break even, so that was good.
We got home and then left again; i was hungry and I needed me some damn Taco Bell.
^_^
Now i'm back at Kelly's getting ready to play some WoW.
yay. :)

Oh jeez, cell phones. Before the invention of cell phones, people used to yell at one another in the privacy of their own homes, but with the creation of cell phones people are walking down the street yelling at the person on the other end. It's so irritating! I mean, the hand held gaming devices are more of a nuisance than anything else. Those dumb things simply make people unproductive and distracted. Oh, and makes them lose brain cells faster. As for the wifi and people in public places with laptops, there's nothing wrong with that if their outside on a nice summer day with their work, but if its some game nerd porn surfing, then yea, that's disgusting and I also think that's illegal. But if a person is not doing something foul in public with these technologies, then i think that there is nothing really wrong with them. However, I do think that it is making us lose touch, even worse, with our natural heritage. And that in and of itself is bad.

Well, I'm going to call it a night. Good night anyone who may possibly read this.
mata-ne!

So I haven’t written in a few days. I’ve been at Kelly’s house a lot in the last week or two. And when I got home today me and mom went to eat and when I got home I started working on my midterm that’s due on Tuesday. I feel like this break is just a dream, like it’s not really happening, which I know sounds stupid. But anyways, what I didn’t want to forget was last night. It was so much fun. We went to the Havana Lounge in Northville; it’s a hookah bar.
Wow, I love the fact that Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize hookah as a word but T9 on my phone does. LOL. How dumb.
So anyways, it was me, Kelly, alex, and dougie. There were three water pipes between the four of us; Kelly and I shared ours and alex and dougie had their own. Mind you, I’m so determined to remember this because last night was my first ever run in with hookah. The whole process was something else. It was amazing, not that I condone smoking of any type. Oh, and on that note, I looked into the small amount of research done about the health factors and risks related to hookah smoking as well as a contrast and comparison with cigarette smoking. From what I found the effects of hookah and cigarette smoke is just about the same. The effect of the water is said to be nothing more than making the inhaled smoke less harsh when inhaled. The toxins are just about the same and just about as harmful. I also read that when hookah is smoked, it is usually longer than 40 minutes. Hookah is known to be smoked less than cigarettes in a week, and one head of flavored shish tobacco is similar to the smoking of a package of cigarettes.
But yea, as for hookah smoking on my behave, I found it to be a great excuse to have a sit-down relaxed social experience with friends. I would most likely partake in this act again because the atmosphere was great at Havana Lounge and the hookah was a great way to experience culture without realizing it. I loved the time with my friends. As for the Havana Lounge in downtown Northville, I would love to go back. They have a great selection of middle eastern eats, various smoothie flavors, various coffees, ice cream varieties, tons of hookah tobacco flavors varying from margarita to sour apple, and other cold beverages. The workers were very friendly, though the wait at the counter for one of them to come up from the back sometimes can get annoying. There are four large plasma screen televisions and free wifi. In the warmer weather seasons they have outdoor seating on the sidewalk in front of the shoppe.
Remember, tobacco smoking in the United States is only legal for people 18 and older. And in the case of the UK, shish tobacco smoking is not yet legal, sorry.
As for me, since I haven’t been home too much recently, Sammy has been really depressed. It makes me sad that I’m such a terrible person to leave him without seeing me for so many days. I mean, he’s a big boy and all, but he is still a puppy… and it’s not like my mother wasn’t here or anything… *sigh* oh well. I don’t know.
Oh, and Al’s being a dick. He was messaging me last night while we were all at Havana Lounge, and I was all like, dude, can I talk to you later? And he was all like, my friends aren’t really my friends ‘cause they don’t care about me! I was like, wow. Really? I mean, we were supposed to hang out with him yesterday and everything! But he texted me earlier in the day to tell me that he had to work, so I said, ok, no problem. Then I texted him later in the day to see what was going on and he was at a buddy’s house. I asked him if he still wanted to hang out and he said no. I said ok, have fun. Ya know, nothing bad, nothing to make him mad or anything. Then he flipped out on me at Havana and I didn’t get why. Finally, since he kept upsetting me, Alex just took my phone and told him to leave me alone ‘cause we were trying to enjoy ourselves. He got even more pissed off and told Alex to lay off. THEN he texted Dougie. Lol. And Dougie was all like, dude, we’re trying to have fun and you were upsetting her so Alex took her phone. Don’t worry about it, she’ll talk to you later. He got all irritated and THEN STILL he IMed me. I was like, really??? SERIOUSLY??? *sigh* so yea, I haven’t talked to him since, I probably should text him, but I’m afraid he’ll freak out on me and I don’t want that.
I trusted him enough to confide in him, and now for all I know he’s gonna tell all my secrets to everyone. I should never have trusted him. Fuck. Why try anymore?
Well, mata ne!

Well, I could easily live without soda, seeing as I already do, so i'm not sure that counts. I guess, I could give up man-made sugar. that wouldn't be very hard either, seeing as it's just candy. lol. So yea, I'm gonna just go ahead and say sugar, soda, alcohol, tobacco, and... I think that's it. :)


~~~~~


Oh my God. I think I'm a hypocrite. lol.
This teenager walked by me dressed in the fad-punk attire as i'm sitting here at the library and I'm listening to AFI and LOOKING UP CORRELATIONS BETWEEN GOOD GRADES AND UNIFORMS.
I used to be like that. what happened to me? When did i change from the punk girl to the college chick? When did that happen? WHY did it happen? I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm changing and not even knowing it's happening.
I just wish i would stop everything from changing, but i know that i can't. it's not possible for me to stop the movement of time. I'm stuck moving forward on this retchid planet. Am i still a child then? still wishing that i could always be young? When did everyone else around me grow up? And why didn't I grow up to? What happened to make me this way? Is it because i said i wanted to be young forever? This isn't what i meant, not at all.
I'm so lost, and it hurts. How can i change this path that i'm on?

MOST DEFINITELY the Dark Knight. Not only for Christian Bale and Heath Ledger, but all of the actors and actresses, the film editors, sound engineers, as well as everyone else who worked in the background. The film was absolutely amazing.

So, I went to the bookstore yesterday and I bought the three Only The Ring Finger Knows novels. I’ve always been curious where the story went after the manga ended, so I was very happy to see them there. I mean, I bought the manga when June Manga was still just called DMP Yaoi Manga, so it’s been a few years. I totally suggest though that if anyone ever reads this, check out the yaoi and shonen-ai manga at junemanga.com; they have some pretty cute love stories.
However, I did miss out on the chance to get more Amelia Atwater-Rhodes books. I love her, she’s my favorite author I think. But I wanted to make a list of books that I really want, such as The Blooding, but they don’t carry it at Borders, so I was very sad when I saw that. I want to read it again, even though I’ve read it like, three or four times now; it’s a really good story.
Amelia Atwater-Rhodes: In the Forests of the Night, Demon in my view, Wolfcry, Falcondance, Snakecharm, (really, all of her books. Lol; I already own Hawksong)
The Blooding
Look For You By Moonlight (my most favorite book in high school)
(more to come, I want all of those books I used to read in high school, they are what helped me survive those four years!)
And speaking of high school, I wanted to go and talk to Ms. Colling sometime soon. I have a few boxes of 3-ring binder dividers I want to give her. I mean, I don’t need them.
Well, I’m off to finish us this essay for my Sociology mid-term. Mata-ne!
8:45PM:
I feel like shit. I’ve got a headache and I’m sitting here at the gym in the lobby. How fun.
Yay sarcasm.
So I was thinking earlier, while i was doing my sociology mid-term, about my aversion to sex. I think i might be afraid of it, like, a phobia or something.
--wikipedia.org says-->Genophobia (also known as coitophobia[1]) is the fear of sexual intercourse. This phobia may be caused by actual sexual trauma (such as rape or molestation especially at an early age) or by witnessing a traumatic sexual act in real life or in the media.[citation needed] Some fear their own sexual drives threaten a sense of self-control. Others may simply find the idea of sexual activity to be horrifying or disgusting and shun it.[citation needed]
so, i seem to fit that, even though it is a short article... it says a young age, but i was like, 7 and 14... so that's not very young, so i don't get it. :/
*sigh* oh welll!!! lol
i'm gonna talk on AIM for a bit before i go for my run, so until another time.